The thoughts about The Hunger Games.

Having already read all three books of The Hunger Games series, I was one of the masses eagerly awaiting the film's release this past Friday (ironic how you could compare us fans to the citizens of Panem's Capitol... but that's a different post).  Unfortunately, the earliest showing we could get to on Friday night was 10:30 and my friends didn't care to stay out that late.  Yeah... we're pathetic adults now with real lives and stuff.  I wouldn't've minded; I'm always exclaiming, "Midnight or first day showings for films that could be awesome!  WOOOO!!!"  (Imagine my disappointment with the midnight showings of King Kong and Star Wars: Episode II).

Despite my disappointment at not going on opening day, my patience was tested and became stronger, and I was rewarded with being able to see the film today.  I did my very best to sit back and enjoy, and wait to analyze when the film was over.  I did take some mental notes, which were afterwards discussed with the hubby on our walk home.

We decided the book is still better in terms of storytelling.  For those of you who haven't read the book, the rest of this explanation may not make sense to you, so proceed with caution.  The film stays close to the book - SCARILY so for today's film-making industry.  However, it differs in two areas that I think distinctly separate it from the book:

1.  The book keeps hidden for longer the true depths of the Capitol's hideous nature/intentions as well as the lengths to which it (or rather, President Snow) will go to keep its power.  For example, the film shows President Snow up close and personal, and his interaction with Seneca Crane, scenes that were only implied in the book.  I don't think this detracted from the film itself, because, for the filmmakers' sake, them knowing that not all of the audience would have read the book, I think it's safe to say that the filmmakers simply had to reveal more of the Capitol and its leaders than the book did, to hold onto the audience and help them understand the situation in those mere 2 1/2 hours.  I simply think that I was more intrigued with the story when I didn't know entirely what was going on, and this is something only the book delivered to me (yes, I know I went into the film already knowing what was going to happen whether or not the film showed me, but I am going to say that I am certain many of the book readers will agree with me on this point).

2.  The film ends not with Peeta and Katniss, but with President Snow.  Again, I think this ties back to the filmmakers needing to show the audience the gravity of the situation, but unfortunately, we don't know about this until the second book.  The first book ends with Peeta and Katniss arriving home, both being very unsure of what they have sparked and also being very awkward about their feelings toward each other.  The focus is still on them, as it rightly should be since the book is told from the first person perspective of Katniss.  I believe that the film ending with President Snow takes the focus off of Katniss and her inner struggles, one of the many reasons the previous fans of this series were so addicted to her character and the series as a whole.  I also realize you can't show a film from a first-person perspective, and therefore the Snow ending was not out of place in the film.  I merely prefer the first-person perspective, struggles, and ending of the book.  So, really, maybe my complaint is not about how the film ends, but how the film's ending represents the separation from the book's unique perspective, and how I feel that perspective is part of the reason The Hunger Games initially built such a strong fan base.

Okay, enough of the complaints.  I was actually highly impressed with the film in many ways:

1.  The acting was top-notch and far better than most young people I see in current films (*cough*Twilight*cough*).  This created very, very strong character development.  You feel everything Katniss feels thanks to an outstanding performance by Jennifer Lawrence (I pretty much bawled like Katniss when Rue died), and you can't help but want to hug Peeta because of the kind and caring way Josh Hutcherson portrayed him.  The adult actors were also excellent casting choices, every single one.  Somehow I can't see anyone other than Elizabeth Banks as the annoying Effie, or Woody Harrelson as the rogue-ish Haymitch.  Also, Stanley Tucci as Caeasar Flickerman almost made me LIKE his brainwashed character.  We can't help but love and hate them all!  The odds were definitely in these actors and actresses' favors.   I am holding judgment on Donald Sutherland as President Snow; he looks like he has the potential to be a lethal villain, but we only saw glimpses of this in the film, and I am hoping this develops with the (most likely) release of future films.
2.  As mentioned above, the film was one of the best adaptations from a novel I have ever seen in my life.  It's sharing some of the top spots on my list with the Lord of the Rings trilogy and the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice.
3.  Cinematography/filming was appropriately shaky, hand-held, and rapid, easily conducive to the frantic and desperate nature of the story.
4.  Sound effects were sharp and well-chosen; the mockingjay songs in particular made me smile at their light-hearted innocence.
5.  The scenery was breathtaking, and the sets were uncannily familiar to the mental pictures I had formed in my mind while reading the book - the grit of District 12, the ritzy opulence of the Capitol, the lush forests both soothing and frightening at the same time.  I quite literally gasped when Katniss walked into her room in the Capitol's District 12 tribute penthouse.  It looked EXACTLY as I had pictured it... minus the funky lamps.
6. The costumes were Gaga-esque in such a way that they actually felt right in their appropriate setting.  You know how Gaga walks around, 1 out of millions of people, dressed like none of those other millions of people would?  This was completely opposite.  Katniss, someone entirely normal and even reminiscent of destitution in her plain, 1920s-inspired dress, suddenly looks out of place in a sea of colors, jewels, and painted faces.  Not that her or any non-Capitol citizen had bad costumes; theirs were highly fitting, as well (no pun intended).  Every single character, even the extras, were appropriately decked out for whatever their respective backgrounds implied.

Overall, I feel The Hunger Games stayed true to the morals, themes, mood, and message of the book.  There were, as I mentioned above, some concerns I had that made me prefer the book over the film, and I'm sure there are many more complaints (one such that I've heard is that the film slows down too much once the Games actually commence... I'd agree with this except for the fact that the book did this, too, and there's no real way in my mind for the film to have sped up this section without leaving out lots of vital character development).  However, my money was by no means wasted; I was rewarded with a highly entertaining and well-constructed film that ultimately made me continue to compare some of the Panem realities to our world.

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The one where I wish I was cool... then I thought about it more.

I've been watching a lot of superhero, geeky, and nerdy TV shows lately.  You know, like Smallville, The Big Bang Theory, and The Guild.  Next, I wouldn't mind starting the new V series or perhaps actually starting some Star Trek (can you see a pattern here?).

At the same time I've been watching these shows, I am researching graduate schools and thinking about applying for jobs in Colorado.  Obviously, the two probably won't coincide, so I'm constantly having to stop to ask myself, "What do I really want to do with my life?"  Inevitably, my mind will turn to these TV shows and all the fascinating characters and situations held within them.  Perhaps this is because I am hoping to find guidance in those words spoken by people who always seem to have far more interesting lives than I.  Maybe I'm assuming that these shows have something to offer me more in that moment than dwelling on the uncertain future of graduate school and/or a job. For sure, I believe that the genres of science fiction and fantasy offer a better, fuller, more encompassing scope of the world (or a world) than other genres, a scope that always expands and explores, just like I try to do every day of my life - something like making every day count and reclaiming every square inch (yes, I did just write that).

And then I realize that that's precisely why I can't stop thinking about "unreal" stories in the midst of my real-life one taking place.  The epic tales, the heroic journeys, the dazzling worlds are nothing more than what my life COULD be if I just viewed it in such a way.  Why can't I be considered a heroine right now?  Aren't my life and my choices just as important as those in the TV shows because I'm being directly affected, shaped, and transformed for the future?  Isn't this world just as fascinating to study, considering we still haven't investigated, what, over half of the ocean floor?

Now I don't want to make myself sound narcissistic.  I don't aim to focus just on myself, and I certainly never want to encourage anyone else to do the same.  Plenty of people unfortunately exist in a putrid state of "me-ness," running around demanding and suing for their own rights like they're hopped up on one too many self-esteem shots. 

What I'm instead suggesting is that we try not to yearn for some lands or people we think are "better" than our lives, because so long as we do that we will miss the fantastical, epic elements of our very real lives.  Of course we can always dream and find enjoyment, inspiration, and even understanding from these worlds, and I believe we should (I'm sorry, but it's really hard not to learn about the dangers of hate and greed when you see Anakin Skywalker burning up in the lava pits of Mustafar... if you miss those life lessons you should probably go back to analyzing the messages of Sesame Street before you try again).  But I wouldn't want to miss out on a kick-ass bonfire with friends simply because I'm sitting inside, wallowing in the fact that I'm not a rogue elf sitting around a raid campfire instead.

So keep those Clark Kents, Sheldon Coopers, and Codexes coming.  I may not be as powerful as you are in your worlds, but I can frakkin' well make myself a real-life superheroine in my own world, saving the day one womanly, wifely, friendly, worker-ly act at a time.  Scratch that: I'm going to say more than one act at a time, because I can in my world.

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The one where the writer equals... Superman?

So if we are to take Bernard Malamud's quote that I listed at the top of my page as seriously as possible, does this mean that the writer is equal in status to Superman (or any other hero, for that matter)?

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The one to rant about Christian music.

Christian music is, in general, devoid of any merit.

Maybe I should specify that I am talking about mainstream Christian music.  I'm talking about your average bunch of average musicians you find at an average Christian merchandise store.  These are the people we are supposedly touting as our best and most popular.  How sad is it when our "best" simply repeat "I love you, God" three times over?

I do exaggerate, and I realize this.  However, it is nearly impossible not to when I have to listen to the Christian music station when driving to work with some of my co-workers.  Thirty minutes in to work, thirty minutes back.  One hour of "Christian" music that does not seem to change key, pitch, lyrics, style, or quality.

When God created the world, He created diversity in plant and animal life.  When God punished the people at the Tower of Babel, He in essence also blessed humanity with a variety of languages.  At the throne of God in heaven, there will be men and women from all races.  Why, then, do Christian musicians feel that they cannot be versatile in their musical creations?

This, to me, is utter blasphemy against the God these musicians claim to celebrate.  They want to celebrate Him, but they don't seem to want to give any recognition to the fact that they were created in God's image and as such should be more creative than they are being.  The ultimate Creator wants us to strive to be more like Him every day; this includes being creative in the arts and very obviously does not exclude it.  Therefore, it seems like mockery, a laugh in God's face (or a direct disobedience to His wishes) that we should be anything but the best and most creative in the world.  If we are to redeem the world and make disciples of all nations, I find it highly unlikely we will do so with such monotony.

People usually notice innovative, unique artists far more than they will an artist who sounds just like that other artist.  Case in point: Lady Gaga.  No, she is not a moral role model we want to follow, but she did emerge on the music scene with her undoubtedly unusual antics and creativity.  It seems pathetic that a Christian did not beat her to it.

Or maybe they have and we just don't want to support those singers or bands because they are not officially "labeled" or "signed" as Christian artists.  U2 has been around for decades and still makes award-winning, globally popular music which is also truthful and godly in message, but heaven forbid we suggest them to our fellow believers because they are not signed with a Christian record company (and Bono says he's a Catholic, so we can't really be sure he's a Christian, anyway).  Thrice is a slightly better option as the lead singer confesses to being a Christian and purposefully writes spiritually positive lyrics, but then again, the band's music is harder rock and sometimes they scream instead of sing... and we're just not comfortable with that, either.  We may feel more comfortable recommending Switchfoot, who has broken the barrier between Christian and secular music successfully, but then again, they did sort of sell out... and we're not sure we're comfortable with recommending them, either (even though their music consistently shows creativity and biblical truths beyond the majority of Christian and secular artists).

We need more bands like U2, Thrice, and Switchfoot, in my opinion.  And until we do, I will refuse to drown my ears in the sea of Christian music.  I'd rather God see me singing "We are the image of the invisible... Though all the world may hate us, we are named" one time than "I love you, God" three times over.

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The zombie-fication

When your husband and your cousin play Left 4 Dead blasting, screaming, and running their way to safety, you can't help but laugh.

I think it's safe to laugh at such games because zombies are not real. Even if they were, I don't think the humans infected would actually be considered human anymore (that is probably a debate best saved for another time). Shooting zombies in a game, therefore, is quite entertaining if the people playing the game aren't taking things seriously and also laugh at the ridiculousness of their situation.

However, I had to pause when I realized that sometimes people are called zombies, usually when their brain is fried and they can't respond in a manner that shows brain processes are still even remotely working. Not surprisingly, I had started feeling like this before our vacation to Colorado. Work was uninspiring, life was mundane, and there was not much motivation left in my body or soul. This unfortunately led to me becoming very negative about a lot of areas of my life, a fact that I was not aware of until my husband and I were lying in bed, sharing what we wanted to improve about ourselves for each other. Nick said he wished I wasn't so negative. That was definitely a painful eye-opener. That was also a very good indication that I definitely needed this vacation.

So if I had become a brain-dead zombie, doesn't that mean I should actually laugh at myself like I laughed at the game zombies?

And there it is. If I can laugh at zombies in games, and if I can make sure to laugh at myself and my own mistakes before improving, then I still find little pleasures in life. Then I can be positive.

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The one where I'm back...

So I'm back. For how long, that's yet to be determined (as usual, right?).

There's a lot of new events going on in my life. Nick and I got a loan for the repairs for our basement, which has yet to be fixed. We are debating adopting our friend's cat when he leaves. I have been unofficially diagnosed with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). My dear friend Abby Hayes and I are going to start a natural/healthy beauty and makeup website. This past weekend was the 5th annual Prairie Grass 48-Hour Film Challenge, in which I participated for a fourth year. I'm trying to write more. Nick and I are looking into moving to Colorado in two years. The job is not what I want to do but it pays well and is treating me much better than last year, so I actually don't dread going to work anymore.

And this is where God is teaching me patience. I really don't like Iowa; in fact, the honest way I'd describe living here is that I despise it overall. Besides my friends and the prices, this state holds nothing for my future (no, not everyone wants to raise their kids here). However, I have been so discontent and antsy the last year and a half that I finally realized that God is probably trying to tell me something. I've only been really paying attention for the last two months or so, but I am getting an inkling that God wants me to be patient. He basically said, "Who needs kids? There's Iowa for Miss Bree."

And that's where I'm at. If I happen to be interpreting things incorrectly, at least I'm still looking for patience and contentment.

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The one with Planet Earth.

We've been watching the BBC series Planet Earth. HIGHLY recommended. I've always adored animals and been incredibly interested in plants, oceans, rivers, caves, deserts, whatever else you can think of. This series has more than satiated my desire to catch up on my old knowledge of nature and wildlife and even add many new tidbits I've never heard before, but now my old knowledge is screaming to be expanded upon.

Maybe I'll have to add animal studies to my list of other interests. :)

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The one where I promised...

I did promise to write at least two more blogs this month. I am running very short on time to do so. This is, therefore, my first of the last two blogs. I am not sure if this blog will have a real purpose. I am merely just trying to get myself back into the habit of writing more. Otherwise, I am most likely screwing myself over and will lose touch with the hobby/skill/love of writing that I used to be so passionate about.

There was a dream I had a while back that I just can't get out of my head, and I really think that means I need to write it down. As always, dreams are a little weird (at least mine are) and this one was no exception. I was viewing the dream from a first-person point of view, but I was not myself; I was some character, a female soldier of some sort who was running around a very rubble-filled street with a bunch of similar soldiers following her. She/I got to the end of the street, loaded a sniper, snaked around the edge of the building, aimed, and fired.

Lots of other things happened in this dream, too, even though my dreams are always choppy, like only the absolutely most important scenes in a film being picked out and shown to you in separate chunks. My character went into a building where refugees were living; they bowed to her as well as the rest of her teammates. My character was talking with one of her teammates, also someone of romantic interest; they were discussing how they were sick of being seen as "Truth" and "Justice" (this idea of assigning an intangible concept to a physical person appeared frequently within the dream, even if it was just a feeling I got from some scenes... this is confusing to me and I'm not sure how I'd write it if and when I do).

Yes, this would definitely be a sci-fi or apocalyptic setting. I can't deny it: I love science fiction, fantasy, and almost anything else that is remotely related to those genres. Does that make me a geek or a nerd? Supposedly there is a difference (http://www.wikihow.com/Tell-the-Difference-Between-Nerds-and-Geeks).

If anyone would like to comment on this blog about my dream/story idea, please do so. I would welcome any feedback; it may help me to develop further ideas for it. I'm sure I'll be writing about this dream as it develops into a story in the future.

Also, more topics I've been wanting to write about here:
- natural beauty techniques/remedies and healthier makeup
- Lady Gaga
- shopping deals/recommendations
- becoming an adult and finding out who I am
- travel
- Renaissance Festival

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The time when I actually wrote again.

It's been quite a while, and for that, everyone can blame me.

There's been a lot going on at home here, which isn't a complete excuse but it is definitely some. When you have to vacuum up around 40 gallons of water from your flooded basement, you know there's a lot going on.

The main thing that's been going on is that I've just been flat-out unmotivated to do much. This includes writing, which I'm very surprised I'm even doing right now. However, I take this current activity to be a good sign that things may be improving in my psyche, or at least there's some small part of my brain that is still telling me I don't really want to suck.

I doubt I'll write much more tonight. I just wanted to get something out on "paper" to clear my thoughts. I hope at some point, I can start writing blogs again regularly. I am also debating about starting another blog, one that's a bit more upbeat and interesting than this one. But we'll see. My first goal really should just be to write more.

If anyone is still reading this, keep track of me this next month. If, by August 31, I have not posted at least two more times, you can all contact me however you so desire (a comment on an old blog, a message on Facebook, a personal e-mail, etc.), and rip me a new one.

Yes, you will all be my accountability readers.

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The choice of Facebook friends.

No, this is not going to be about who you do and do not add to your "friends" list on Facebook. This post is going to present in very short detail the topics that some of my friends and family on Facebook suggested I write about in my next blog. Ready for some completely unrelated topics? Here we go.

Suggestion #1 from Sarah: My experience at Oxford!
Unfortunately, this would take far too long to even fit into one blog post. That's why Sarah has been writing many blog posts about her Oxford experience; you should know better, Sarah. Shame on you.
But seriously, I do hope to someday compile my thoughts on and experiences in Oxford into a memoir-type essay/book. I kept a diary for the majority of the time I was there, and what I didn't write down can be replaced by memories from pictures and all the contact I still have with friends I made while there. Cheers to Oxford.

Suggestion #2 from Alvin: Whether God can help but reveal himself... or herself.
I think this would need a lot more clarification in order for me to write about it. I have several questions running around in my head right now. For example, what do you mean by "reveal?" Is this supposed to be some joke about God exposing himself, or is it actually a serious proposal in regards to how God's presence can be seen in even the smallest of things?
Maybe it's a joke, because I don't buy the "herself" part.

Suggestion #3 from Morgan: SHOES =)
Ah, now if I started to write about shoes, I don't think many people would enjoy it as I neither wax philosophical about them nor do I claim to be a fashion expert whose advice should be heeded. I do, however, adore shoes to the level that only fellow shoe-lovers would understand. I think the word "shoe-gasm" says it all.

Suggestion #4 from Jesse: Write me a short script featuring romance and violence and a philosophical theme within a rural farm-town setting.
Hmm. Now this may have some potential, seeing as how if I won't wax philosophical about shoes I may be able to do so in a script about romance and violence and a rural farm town... except for the fact that this idea would definitely take longer than one blog post. However, it sounds an awful lot like my life already, minus the violence, of course, so that's probably even more incentive to write it... eventually. :)

Suggestion #5 from Mike: Write a romance novel about people living like pirates in an underground cove, but its Truman Show style, so they're constantly being watched. Also, they're robots. And they're in Disney World.
But they're in LOVE, damn it!
I think you pretty much gave me the perfect way to end this blog, Mike.

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The time I wrote after nearly two months.

It's been almost two months since I wrote. These have been an exciting two months.

Nick and I stayed home for Christmas and celebrated the day with Katie and Jesse, champagne, Scrabble, Settlers of Catan, and a sexy, ridiculous, B (maybe C?) grade movie called Bandidas starring Penélope Cruz and Salma Hayek. Those combined into a very unique Christmas day.

Nick and I finalized the purchase of our very first home on December 31. We had a lot to celebrate that night as we looked to the new year. We were moved in completely by the end of the second week of January. There will be pictures to come. :)

Nick also finished up his job at Fareway and started working full-time only at Alpha Omega as a technician in the technical support department. He realizes what a fantastic opportunity this is for him to advance in the computer and customer service fields. Plus, I'm not going to lie, it's nice to see hubby on breaks and during lunch.

I have successfully kept alive two plants, one normal ivy plant that when flourishing grows so rapidly I've come to call it Rapunzel for the sheer length of the vines that hang out of the pot, and one neanthebella palm named Plant in honor of Wall-E. My friend Trish also bestowed on me a bamboo owned by our dear friend Jess, who couldn't take Angelica (the bamboo) back with her to Canada. In addition, at our housewarming party at the end of January, I inherited yet another ivy plant that I plan to name if I can keep it alive, as it is already withering even with being fed plant food once a week and water every other day.

It's the small things in life that need to make me happy.

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The broken record vs. the Grammy-winning album.

It's time for an update.

I act like my life is so busy and that I don't have time to write. I really do have plenty of time on my hands; I just don't handle it correctly. Does this mean that I don't want to write anymore? Am I even a writer anymore?

What I need to do is start carrying some sort of a journal or small notebook and write down whatever random thought comes to my mind. Maybe that will keep me actively writing.

Part of the problem I honestly believe is that I sit at a desk for eight hours a day and grade other people's writing, and I think by the end of the day I'm sick of writing corrections for those writings. I don't feel like starting my own pieces for someone else to critique and therefore put them in a similar, stale spiral that I'm currently in.

What I really need to do is learn to handle my time better.

However, there is hope. I am slowly doing little things more and more often during the day that show that I'm not just coming home and becoming a couch potato in front of a grossly addicting TV show (which still happens, but not as regularly). For example, I went shopping on Saturday with a few of my girlfriends and I literally got 2/3 of my Christmas shopping done.

Right, so that wasn't a work day.

Anyway, I do honestly get things done after a day at work. Today, for example, I started packing a few more things, cleaned up just a little bit around the house, and also wrapped all of Nick's Christmas gifts. So I do get things done. Yay for me.

How many times have I said, "I think I'll start to write more tomorrow"? I sound like a broken record.

What I need to aim for is not sounding like a broken record, but like a Grammy award-winning album. Or a New York Times bestseller. Because that is honestly what I'm worth if I put my mind to it. Boost that self-esteem!

I have some good ideas rolling around in my brain. I think I can do it. I know I can do it.

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The shorter-than-intended blog.

I meant to write a longer blog than the one I shall write now. However, what started out as a good intention was quickly thwarted by fatigue, so this blog will be rather short.

My original plan was to write about either office politics or my new idea to write a memoir about life in Iowa as a young, newly-married, West-coast woman. Either would have been more interesting than this post, so I assure you I will indeed write about these two topics in the future.

But for now I the main thought on my mind is Oxford. I miss it something terrible. I want to go back. But if I went back to study for and receive my Master's degree, what would I study? I have too many interests at this point for me to choose just one: linguistics, creative writing, fantasy/science fiction, women's rights, film/cinema/media, culture, and even Egyptology. What a ridiculously cultured mind I have (I know, I am definitely bragging at this point).

I don't mind life here in Iowa right now. But I know I will get sick of it, and Nick knows this as well. We are aiming for moving to Colorado or Oxford, and after seeing how many of my friends that I met in Oxford on my semester abroad trip are already back in school earning their Master's degrees, I really want to aim for my advanced degree, as well. I feel like I am "behind" them, that I'm not where I should be, because I could in fact be earning my very own Master's degree.

Ah, well. God has a plan and it will be revealed eventually.

I always wish that my blogs will turn out more humorous than they usually do; it's disappointing that they don't!

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The church home dilemma.

What do you look for in a church? Do you aim only for doctrine, or do you also pay attention to the sincerity and passion in the music and singing, the genuine fellowship before and after the service, the care and compassion that Christians are supposed to show even outside of Sundays?

These questions keep coming to my mind as I get more and more frustrated with Nick and my church here in Sioux Center. The URC always seems to have doctrine very indicative of the Bible's true teachings, but it lacks in so many other areas. Here, for instance, the people do not seem to sing with their hearts. Every song sounds forced, even pained at times. And I know this is not true with every URC, but it is for this town. In addition, this town's URC seems friendly enough when I look around after a service, but hardly any of the families talk to us (by "families" I mean anyone married and with children or people we didn't know previously from Dordt). This limits our fellowship to only a few college kids in the church, which to me seems sad as Christians should be able to commune, fellowship, and worship together no matter what our ages or stages in life.

What ticked me off the most about our "church" recently was the fact that I mentioned Nick's surgery twice to one of our elders, and he did not once ask about it or how Nick was doing. Not once.

I do our church's newsletter layout. I asked the elder on Friday afternoon if I could postpone doing the newsletter to the next week (I admit that was a last minute request as the newsletter is usually completed and sent to this elder by Saturday morning). I had no idea Nick's surgery (including the unexpected ER visit) would take such a toll on my mental and physical state of mind. The elder said he'd prefer I don't postpone the newsletter release because there were schedules in there that people needed, but if I had to postpone, I could. I felt guilty, as I always do when I make a promise to someone and want to/have to cancel. So I did it.

I was up until 1:30 a.m. Friday night to get the newsletter done, and one of the pages turned out cut off, so part of the text couldn't be read. The elder called me about it. I fixed it. And he still didn't ask about Nick's surgery or how he was doing. This does not give me any confidence in our church's supposed leadership over its flock.

This is almost the last straw I have had with this church. Is my temper too short? Am I being too unforgiving? Am I being sinful and selfish in this way of thinking? I don't know. I only know that the preaching and doctrine is good, and everything else is seems like shit. What kind of church doesn't give at least some kind of visible effort to its singing, and what kind of congregation rarely talks to any of its younger members, and what kind of church council doesn't ask about one of its member's surgery and recovery?

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The "We seem to be made to suffer; it's our lot in life" post.

Such an incredibly optimistic title, that. Just be happy I still adore Star Wars enough to quote it; at least that movie has never failed me.

A lot has happened since my last post about possibly doing handmade crafts for etsy.com. And it all relates to Monday.

Nick had surgery this past Monday on a hernia that acted up after he lifted meat crates at work the previous week. He was unable to lift anything substantial all week before his surgery, and he always ended up being uncomfortable from pain by the end of any of his shifts.

He scheduled a time to have surgery, which his employer so politely told him he couldn't have that day because they wanted him to work this week. He basically told them that he needed the surgery and they would have to deal with him not working for a few days, but he allowed them to schedule him for this Friday and Saturday, for short shifts.

Monday we arrived at the hospital bright and early for prep and the surgery. I had taken thte day off, figuring I would just go in on Friday to make up for my lost time (I don't usually work Fridays). The surgery didn't take long; I barely had time to return some items bought at a store the day before, run home, and come back to the hospital to e-mail my co-workers when I was called to meet the surgeon.

Everything went well, apparently, and though Nick was in a lot of pain, we were glad things went smoothly. The nurses told us we would probably be home by 3 or 4 p.m. that day, if Nick was feeling strong and sound enough to stand up, use the restroom, and get into a wheelchair out to the car.

Three or 4 p.m. was a severe underestimation of Nick's recovery abilities.

We were at the hospital until 9:30 p.m., because Nick could not stand for the longest time without feeling like he was going to vomit and/or pass out. It was such a relief to get him home and in our own comfort zone. I decided to take Tuesday off, as well, because he would not be able to stand or shower without me there. I was fortunately able to work from home for what equated to a half day, grading papers from my online students. As the day progressed, Nick felt better and better, and was able to sit up and move around.

Today I went to work as usual. Nick seemed to be doing fine home alone the first few times I called him. Then he told me his pain was getting worse, and that it felt like a nerve was pinching. He couldn't stand up without fainting again. He got a hold of one of the nurses, who told him that his symptoms were unnatural complications, and he should come to the ER immediately to be examined. Fortunately, my dear friends Katie and Trish were able to bring him to the hospital and stay with him for the hour I was not able to be there because I was at work.

The ER visit revealed that Nick's surgery wound was healing, but that the area was inflamed, probably due to all his activity and movement on Tuesday when he felt better. The inflammation was indeed pinching a nerve and causing him a great deal of pain. The nurses gave him some anti-inflammatory medications, and he felt better. I took him home after receiving a new prescription for anti-inflammatory meds, as well as a doctor's note telling Nick's employer that he is not allowed to work this weekend. At all.

I dropped the note off at his work, and his boss, who probably saw me, did not stop to talk to me about it, and instead proceeded to call my husband at home, telling him that if he did not work this weekend, he could not have the next weekend off, as was previously scheduled and supposedly decided upon.

Nick asked off for the 6th and 7th of November quite a while ago. He had to fight for those days off, because they are a Friday and Saturday, and apparently his employer will die if someone wants those two days off. But Nick fought it, reminding them he would be around all Thanksgiving and Christmas to work, and that he had not asked off a full weekend in several months.

Yet now they are going back on their (excuse me) fucking word, for the mere reason that "they NEED him" one of these next two weekends, even though the doctor said no work and even though he had previously received permission to have the 6th and 7th off.

The 6th and 7th wouldn't be so important to me/us if it wasn't going to be our one vacation for quite some time. It was going to be our one-year anniversary getaway, because we aren't able to afford tickets to see either of our families, and we wouldn't be able to go anywhere anyway because Nick's employer won't let him off for Thanksgiving and Christmas without yet another fight.

Oh, yeah, they need him THAT MUCH.

This trip is very important to me, probably more so than it is to Nick. He insists that at this point, job retention and stability is more important. Is it really? Since when do jobs come before setting time aside for your wife, especially for an anniversary, which, by the way, was over three months ago and he had to work on our actual anniversary date, too?

I see his point, but I also don't agree with the way his employer is basically slave-driving their workers because they can, because the economy is so bad Nick doesn't dare mouth off to them and risk losing his job.

Once Nick works out a weekend he can have off with his employer or if he gets this job at my work (PLEASE PRAY HE DOES!), his employer is going to receive a VERY strong-worded letter from me.

The inclusion of expletives is being considered.

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The quest for more funding.

And by funding I mean "money to help us start a life together."

Not that we're suffering, but unless Nick's interview at my place of employment doesn't pan out like we hoped it would, I'll need to decide whether or not to start going to work all day on Fridays, or whether or not it's still more important for me to stay home on Fridays to clean, run errands, prepare for the next week, etc.

I'd like to get my accounts going on guru.com and elance.com so I could work on freelance writing on Fridays, and I'd like to start an account on etsy.com so I can sell home-made goods. Unfortunately, I only have one or two ideas for "home-made goods."

As a youngster, I was very much into origami. I mentioned this to my co-worker, and she believes I should make origami pieces that could sell, such as mini origami earrings and origami flower candy dishes for themed parties. I've received such advice in the past, when I was doing the folding art as a hobby, but I never put much thought into it because my needs were taken care of by my mom.

Of course, things have changed a bit now.

I believe the origami idea may work, but I think I may need another idea or two to keep my etsy.com existence alive and worthwhile. So what I'd like to ask my devoted readers is this: from what you know of and about me, what do you think I could make well and sell for a decent price on etsy.com?

Any and all suggestions will be listened to, but maybe not necessarily implemented.

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The desire to act.

Sometimes I wonder: could I have ever made it as an actress?

I would've needed to be more outgoing, that's for sure. I would've needed classes. I would've needed people to support me and encourage me to go that direction. However, I wouldn't have needed the looks.

So many people have told me how beautiful I am, how fashionable, how "classy" I am. Not that these are all necessarily characteristics of Hollywood stars (I have seen far too many un-classy stars for the world to physically sustain them all), but they definitely get you somewhere in that unfortunately too-shallow and self-absorbed world of film and television.

Yet that is partially why I think I could make it; I know my beliefs would be challenged frequently, but I honestly believe that if I could work on my undeveloped skills to get them to an acceptably "good" level of acting, and get into the Hollywood scene with my looks, fashion, business sense, and smarts, I'd be able to make a small difference in the media world by picking good scripts that I know were quality films with a good theme. I would want to act only in your "food for the thoughts" movies, ones worth every ounce of effort put into them, even if that effort is not blockbuster-selling.

Maybe I'd be able to show my love of story in interviews, and maybe I'd be able to show my appreciation for behind-the-scenes workers on special edition DVDs. Maybe I'd be aiming to show my faith in every aspect of my acting career.

Or maybe I'd just be hoping for a few good shots of me as I walked down the red carpet.

It's some of all of that, which I feel guilty admitting mostly due to my selfish side of wanting those few good shots.

I don't really have to worry about any of this right now, as there isn't a huge demand for Hollywood actors in Sioux Center, Iowa. But what if the opportunity comes up later? What do I do then?

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The eBay obsession.

I feel utterly addicted sometimes.

And not to something one would normally consider "wrong" or "sinful." I am often addicted to eBay, which is the case now.

I have bid on at least 20 items in the last month, and though I have won only a few of those items, I realize that I probably do not need to be buying these items. However, my "business" brain is trying to convince me that I do, in order to complete or enhance my previous collections. For example, I have recently completed my entire collection of Galoob brand dolls from the 1997 animated movie Anastasia, all because I finally found the last doll I needed. In addition, I have bought the Rose DeWitt Bukater doll from Titanic that I have wanted for several years now, which I can add to my "other" collection of dolls.

The reason I want complete or improved collections is so I can sell them back on eBay to raise money for Nick and I, should we decide to go to Spain or send me to graduate school, or even to simply move to Colorado. So in that sense, these purchases are really an investment for my future.

At this point, however, I probably just need to restrain myself from going and buying everything I've ever wanted off of eBay. Confound that blasted auction site.

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The early morning.

Sometimes I find it very sad that I going to bed by 10:30 or 11 on Friday nights and getting up at 8 a.m. or 9 a.m. This used to be a non-existent pattern in my life, as in it never happened. However, college is over and adult life has set in. I now consider 8 a.m. and 9 a.m. regular times to get up, but the idea that they are "early morning" is still drilled into my head.

So as of right now, I have been awake for almost 40 minutes, and I am sitting here enjoying the fresh, full, "awake" feeling of a full breath of air being sucked into my expanding lungs. My bowl of Frosted Mini Wheats was delicious, and I am contentedly sipping a cup of vanilla chai while I debate my first cleaning chore I shall tackle after I shower. Or maybe vice versa, depending on how dirty the chore is.

The day is starting out well. It's on mornings like this that I wish I had the dedication to grab my Bible and read. One of my weakest areas is devotions. I like to think that if I go sit outside and look at the morning nature that is a type of devotion in itself. However, I know that when I stick to that credo I am fooling myself. Even non-Christians can do that, whether they know it or not.

Day's like this make me feel energized and eager to work hard for 4 or 5 hours so I can relax the rest of the day. I know this is something I should thank God for, and should first meditate on His word before doing. I just can never seem to pull myself to do it.

Nick and I both know we are lagging with devotions. We were never brought up with that mindset, that devotions are something you do personally, every day, consistently. Even if we were told this, it doesn't seem like either of our sets of parents practiced it on a regular basis themselves. Like parents, like children.

And so when I sit next to my finished bowl of Frosted Mini Wheats and sip from my vanilla chai, I know I am blessed. I am very blessed to have a warm home amidst the crisp, just-arriving fall air of a September morning. I am blessed to have pajamas on covered by a teal fleece jacket my mom bought for me in London. I am also very blessed to be enjoying this food.

However, I also know that I should be blessed to own a Bible, yet I never seem to touch it. I think, despite all my past attempts at keeping a consistent devotional life, that all those little blessings I just mentioned help to keep me on the right track. At least I recognize them as gifts from God, and I am grateful for them. I have actually been more grateful and content (after some struggling here and there) this past year than I possibly have ever been before. And that gives me hope that God is still holding me in His hand.

Maybe this empty bowl and cup of vanilla chai, my pajamas and my jacket, and my comfy apartment with a waiting shower will be the impetus for at least starting devotions again, every day in the early morning.

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The tipsy time.

Yes, I've had a few drinks tonight and maybe that's why I've realized I need to write more. Funny how that works, huh? At least I can type and use correct grammar.

I may as well shoot myself at this point because I always say I should write more and then I never do. It's pointless rambling.

I think I need inspiration, something hard to come by for me in Northwest Iowa.

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