Wednesday, June 17, 2009

The achings of the heart.

My heart aches in a way that is fortunately not cliché. I am not hopelessly in love (in love, yes, but not hopelessly or as ridiculously as people in romantic comedies). I am not grieving. I am not yearning. I am not enraged. I am simply living.

There is so much on my plate right now that my heart literally aches from the pressure and confusion of it all. I am finding it hard to organize my thoughts and actions and obligations at this point. Here's a short list of some of the things I'm mulling over:

1. bathroom needs to be cleaned
2. floors need to be mopped
3. apartment needs to be dusted
4. tablecloth and towels need to be washed
5. purchases need to be returned to Sioux Falls
6. purchases need to be made in Sioux Falls
7. plans need to be made to do something fun with Nick tomorrow
8. people need to be contacted about our interest in moving to Colorado
9. my resume needs to be edited
10. I need to keep uploading files back onto my laptop
11. I want a good storm, for Pete's sake
12. I want to figure out what I want to do for grad school and where I'll go
13. I want a job that I enjoy at least the majority of the time
14. four papers need to be sent to the English department
15. Volkers really needs me to start transcription work, like now
16. thank-you notes need to be written for wedding gifts (I feel SO guilty about this one...)
17. Katie and Jesse's wedding and all the events surrounding it
18. recipes need to be copied onto recipe cards
19. important papers need to be organized and filed into our new file box
20. I still need to call my old co-worker Jen back

And the list continues. Who would have thought that all of this would bugged me? I know that I've handled things like this before during school, and I'm surprised I'm so annoyed by it right now and I wasn't necessarily all the time when it happened during college. And I wonder why that is.

I know for sure I have to learn to be content more, and grow closer to God. I think my spiritual side has slackened somewhat as of late, and I know how to fix it from my end, but it's always just so hard to take that one step towards God, because He knows all and that seems to scare the shit out of me.

I think I lied at the beginning of this post. Maybe my heart actually is aching in a cliché manner: I am yearning for many things.


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