Friday, June 26, 2009

The day before the wedding.

We just got back from the rehearsal dinner, and since everyone was doing so much running around today and so much planning and organizing and cooking and transporting... we all sort of went our separate ways.

Not that I should be sad: I see these people a lot, and I'm thankful for that.

It's just that when this many people are in one place together for a while, I feel like I want to hang out every night, because that's just usually what we do. And tonight we're not.

Several people are going to bed already to get up early and prepare for the wedding at the church. Other people are still up but watching a horror movie, which doesn't sound appealing to me (besides the being-with-people part). Still others are going on walks, or packing for their honeymoon, or playing XBox. But we are all separate, and for some reason that makes me sad.

I think I know, however, what is really gnawing at my heart is the fact that after this, yet another friend reunion is over, and Katie and Jesse will be gone for three weeks on their honeymoon. I understand the wedding will be over and people need to leave. I understand that the couple will be on a honeymoon because that's just what happens. But a large part of me does not want any of this to happen.

You could call that feeling selfish, but I'm starting to think it has a lot more to do with the human need for longing and attachment and companionship. I know I can "survive" three weeks without my very good friends Katie and Jesse, because it's not like I'll be completely without friends. I have Nick to be with, and my sister for about another week. I also have a new task to get used to: a job. However, there will be those nights during the next three weeks that I will severely miss hanging out with Katie and Jesse, and wishing they were here so Nick and I could socialize with them.

I used to think I was very independent, and that I didn't need anyone or friends as often as other people did. I used to follow these beliefs, and often stayed home nights instead of being with friends. This solely independent mentality has slowly dwindled over the past several years, as I realize now that I need not just a husband, but close friends to keep me happy, to keep me being who I am: a unique individual who is still independent in one sense, but one who embraces her independence in light of her surrounding family and friends.

I am a social being, and I need social contact. So how do I deal with the fact that my social contact is about to dwindle to a smaller size than I want it to be?


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