Sunday, September 6, 2009

The aching of my heart.

I haven't written in a while. Sadly, it seems like that's what I always say when I start a new post.

Sometimes I wish I was one of those really good writers. You know, the kind who were bi-polar or depressed all the time, because despite their very serious ailments, they wrote some of the most beautiful fiction and non-fiction of all time. Sometimes I realize I could very easily turn into one of these types of writers, and that both deeply satisfies and terrifies me.

When I get upset or angry or depressed, I seem to be attacked by whatever emotion is currently in my system, and then it threatens to take over. Sometimes it does for a little bit. It is one of these moments that currently controls me. At times like this, where I am upset or angry or depressed or all three, I am always about ready to break down into tears, or just head for my laptop and type out something in a blog, just to get the thoughts out of my head.

All these emotions penetrating my mind are what convince me that I'll be a well-respected writer someday. They drive my writing the majority of the time, when I have so much to say that I must get it down on paper or on screen. My mood swings often dictate when or how much I write. And I know, as a writer, re-writing and editing is downright crucial to successful writing, but when emotions are running amuck, no one can deny that you might as well get what you're feeling onto paper before you try to fix it. Then you will feel better and, if you're a good writer, you'll motivate yourself to go back to those crazy ink jots and make them sound at least partially sane and readable.

On the other hand, having such intense mood swings and emotions is dangerous, and I often wonder if this is how the most famous masters of literature started out before spiraling into the abyss of mental disorder. Thoughts like this often make me halt whatever emotions I'm feeling so that I don't go any farther. So I guess as worried as I am about going crazy someday, I have an innate defense already in place against letting myself go too far. Hopefully, this barrier remains in place for the rest of my life.

If it doesn't, I may just end up being the best damn writer of our time. We'll all just have to wait and see.


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